Dear H,
Turned out the truth is I wasn't being honest enough to myself.
It's been a while since I told you it's better for us to cut things off from now instead of torturing each others' feelings. I regretted right away as soon as you agreed because I thought I was just being manipulative. I tried explaining myself and figuring things out with my own solutions but then you backed off. Didn’t expect that yet I was still being positive even things were lingering as you told me you need some space and I thought you just needed some more space.
And then I started wondering what caused the factors that the same issue kept popping up by me reassuring your validation.
You told me at the first place that you have to focus on your acting career and can't give me any commitment. I thought I didn't care; I thought I could simply enjoy the rapport without seeing a firm future with guys; I thought I'm not the kind of person who needs a stable relationship or even marriage. But I was so wrong. I was so into the emotional intimacy between us. You are such a sensitive and awesome person who always makes me smile and opens my deep-down emotions in a very special way. You made me feel myself more completed and be more able to face my own flaws. I love the laughters and every cuddle with you which were so sincere and touching. I desire you so much. I love your openness and honesty though we might not be brave enough to face our differences.
But as I found out I'm falling and caring deeper for you, there comes the trouble. I know I'm gonna expect for more. I want to be the one who you can share your up and downs with, the one who can listen to the struggles and happiness on the path of you chasing dreams; I want to be your photographer exclusively and I want you to stay close to me while working out to show other guys I belong to you only.
I KNEW you're leaving Hong Kong any time soon and you're a person who really put 100% effort pursuing your beloved work which I admire so much. I always thought this is what makes you shine like no one else (Maybe a bit like Ryan Gosling, I assumed.) And for this reason I can't get the full attention and love from you. Although my rational side always support you with whole. My heart never lies and it's been telling me this isn't what I want. Damn you were totally right about it that you couldn't give me the things I want. I do know you like me and I always do. How smart and sensitive you are!
I truly understand and agreed this should be the best decision for us now so that we could really work on our lives. It’s been only two months but the chemistry is real and I will always keep it within my heart. I'm glad we're still agreeing things until the end.
Take good care in Beijing. Be happy!
J
